Valentine Gifts for the Love of your Life

"You can't create peace in the Middle East and Ukraine, but you can create it in your living rooms and bedrooms." Terry Real, a famous couples therapist, recently said that at a training that I was attending. Jimmy Carter used to say, "You only have to love two people - God and the person right in front of you." And what person is most often right in front of you?  

Well, I only have a short time to write this blog and the subject material is huge enough to fill a novel the size of "War and Peace". For most of my career, I worked mainly with individuals but over the past few years I started working with a lot more couples and in many cases I learned more from them than they did from me. 

Its Valentines Day and everyone has been buying flowers and candy for their loved one. Those are the gifts that are easy to give. If you want to give them something that is really priceless, pick from the following list.  

1. First, just be there. Lots of couples find it difficult to make time for each other. They become like two ships passing in the night with long work shifts, children, homes, community obligations, etc. The greatest gift that you can give your partner is yourself. After all, they chose you over everyone else to become their partner. Just your presence will make the good times better and the bad times more bearable. Being there doesn't just mean to be physically present. If you are physically in the same room but your mind is a million miles away, you are not really there. You can be sitting right next to someone but if you can't take your eyes off your SMART phone, you are not really there. 

2. Second, pay attention.  In 2003, I was waiting for Jeanie to finish up with something in the kitchen so she and her son Tommy and I could go to Dorney Park. Tommy was less than a year old. I walked into the living room and sat down in front of him. He sat there just staring at me with a slight smile and a look of awe on his face, curious about what I was next going to do or say. He was giving me his complete, undivided attention. It was as though I was the only thing in his universe at that moment. It struck me that that was quite an unusual thing - to truly have someone's undivided attention. I rarely felt more cherished that I did at that moment.  

3. Third, Shut Up and Listen - One of the biggest complaints I hear from people in relationships is "I don't feel like I'm being heard". Everyone has a lot to say - about what is wrong with their partner, about things that the partner needs to change, about how to prove that they are right and their partner is wrong. STOP! Put your own thoughts aside for just a minute and listen to what your partner is saying. You don't have to agree with it, but just listen - hear them out. Where are they coming from? Try to put yourself in their shoes. 

4. Validate their feelings - Show understanding for what they are feeling. Let them know they are not crazy. Once again, you do not have to agree with their position, but maybe you can understand the logic behind it. Just identify their feelings and remember what is was like when you had those kinds of feelings yourself.

5. Think before you speak - Choose your words carefully, especially when you are angry. When the emotion subsides, you may regret what you are about to say. No one responds well when they feel they are being attacked. There are ways to express your feelings and needs without degrading your partner. Therapists recommend using, "When you _________, I feel ________".   

6. Catch them doing something right, and express appreciation for it. Mom said that one of the things that Dad did that meant a lot to her was that he always told her that the meal was good before he got up from the supper table. The first thing you learn as a beginning psychology student is the power of positive reinforcement (rewards for good behavior). Rewards can take the form of material things, or they can take the form of praise, smiles or hugs. Positive reinforcement for good behavior is more powerful than punishment for bad behavior. Yet, we rarely use it in an effective way. One of the most powerful reinforcers can come in the form of two words: "Thank you." 

While these six suggestions may seem like simple things to do, most people declare that when it comes to navigating personal relationships, they are easier said than done.

                      "Now that we love...look at the moonless night and tell me....how do we make love stay?"

                                                    MAKE LOVE STAY by Dan Fogelberg (1983)