"So when Jesus had received the sour wine, He said, 'It is finished!' And bowing His head, He gave up His spirit." John 19:30. Traditionally, when we get to that part in the reading of the gospel on Good Friday, everyone kneels and there is complete silence in the church. I guess we are supposed to be sad, but all I can feel at that point is relief. The suffering that he had dreaded for so long was over. It was behind him. He would never have to worry about it again.
Time flies until you're suffering. Then it seems to go into slow motion, with every second lasting for a thousand years. I've had a lot of surgeries. Just before surgery, my question is always the same. "How much pain will I have when i wake up?" The answer is always the same. "Don't worry. We will keep you well medicated." Nevertheless, there was often a lot of pain and discomfort in spite of that, and in spite of having a team of people working to keep me comfortable. Jesus didn't have any pain medication and the people around didn't care about how he felt.
I've had my own ritual for observing Good Friday for thirty years. I go up the mountain behind my house, into the woods. I reflect on the passion. I think about times in my life when I had significant suffering. I offer those times to the Lord, adding my suffering to his for the salvation of the world. I pray for people suffering now. I offer him my life. I usually do it on Good Friday, but one year I decided to go up there early - on Holy Thursday night. It was pitch black when I went up there with nothing but a flash light. I suddenly saw two eyes peering out at me through the darkness. I couldn't see what kind of an animal the eyes belonged to. I couldn't see how big it was. Fortunately, it didn't seem to have the intension of harming me. The funny part is that the animal and I were probably both thinking simultaneously, "What the hell is that?" It was in that strange place and time that I got in touch with the dark place in my heart - the part that no one who knows me would ever guess existed.
In the movie "As Good As It Gets", there is a scene in which the character Melvin Udall walks into the waiting room of a psychiatrist's office and says to the people sitting there, "What if this is as good as it gets?" My question is not much different - "What if this is all that there is?" (I guess OCD minds think alike).
My faith has always been at the center of my life. Everything revolves around it. I talk about it. I write about it. It influences every decision, but it is only 95% strong. That night I sunk deep into the other 5% - the buried, unspoken part - the dark land of the "what if's". I spoke them out loud, saying, "But Lord, what if you and your father don't really exist?", "What if there is no afterlife?", "What if we just disappear when we die?". I tried to think about what it would feel like to no longer exist, but it seemed unfathomable. "What if religion is just some kind of a psychological defense mechanism - something we created to make ourselves feel better?", "What if this one short life is all that there is?" That was the question, no matter how hidden and weak, that always made it difficult for me to let go of the people in my life who were dying. What if I never see them again? Eventually I ran out of heart breaking what if's and finished the ritual. Sometimes catharsis alone can be therapeutic. People just need to get it out. They don't need a response or an answer to their questions. I might not ever know the answers, but I had the power to choose - to choose to believe. So I made my way back down the mountain, walking by faith and flashlight....home.
And when you feel afraid (love one another) When you've lost your way (love one another) And when you're all alone (love one another) And when you're far from home (love one another) And when you're down and out (love one another) And when your hopes run out (love one another) And when you need a friend (love one another) And when you're near the end (love, we got to love, we got to love one another)
Light of the world, shine on me Love is the answer Shine on us all, set us free Love is the answer
From the song "Love is the Answer" By England Dan and John Ford Coley
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